


The deficit of the damned

by headphonefreak4444



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anorexia, Demons, F/F, Gore, Mental Illness, Revenge, Suicide, Torture, Unrequited Love, Violence, mentioned and implied rape/pedophilia, unheathly coping mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:29:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25804402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/headphonefreak4444/pseuds/headphonefreak4444
Summary: No matter how many times you may restart your life in a new place a new name or a new face, the old one will come back without fail. It may come back to haunt you in different ways, a smell, a taste or something entirely new. sometimes the face of the old of something entirely more horrifying than the unwanted memories of an old life...
Kudos: 1





	The deficit of the damned

**Author's Note:**

> please do not read this series if sensitive has mentioned rape/pedophilia in the plot along with unhealthy coping mechanisms for mental illness, depictions of gore, suicide and other upsetting themes.

No matter how many times you may restart your life in a new place a new name or a new face, the old one will come back without fail. It may come back to haunt you in different ways, a smell, a taste or something entirely new. sometimes the new of the old of something entirely more horrifying than the unwanted memories of an old life...

My mother always had a bittersweet saying, I even remember where and when she said this saying. It was in late September in the woods while on a walk, i want to say i was 8 but i truly cant remember how old i was. While walking along the thin path we came across a skull, i think it was a deer. The lower jaw was missing and only the top of the skull remained. it wasn't the skull that caught my attention, but instead the lone wildflower that had grown out of the eye socket of the skull seeking sunlight. I think my mom could tell i was sad to see something that was once living was now not living, i think when i was younger i associated with not living meaning not happy. I felt her squeeze my hand tighter and actually guide me closer to the skull at first i was horrified. But once i saw her gentle smile i felt the tension and disgust fade away she crouched down in front of the skull accompanied with the wildflower. After i saw only her shoulders and hair as she examined it she then said and said the words i will never forget. "Cala, bad things always can and will happen, but sometimes something good can come from it." It took me a second to realize that what my mother had meant was, yes the deer had died but without the deer the flower would have lived to bloom.

God i missed that woman

She had died two months after my 19th birthday, her and i were so different yet alike and it brought me great sadness to look in the mirror and see my dark long hair and the same brown eyes that i got from my mom. If only they had the kind warmness hers did. i never knew alot about certain things others mostly knew about themselves. I never knew who my dad was, she never told me his name, what he looked like or anything about him. All she ever told me was that he was a soldier that went to war and never came back. She never said where he went to war, She never even told me how they met, nothing, it was like a mere mystery of a man who was my blood. I never even knew her heritage sometimes she would look like a light skinned native american woman with her long black hair and brown eyes but other times she sometimes looked like she was asain. i never knew and she never told.

Within months of her passing i had stopped eating from the depression i had spiraled into after her death. she was all i had and now she was gone, i never left the house and just spent most days curled in bed hoping to die so i could just see her kind smile and brown eyes but it never came to that. one of the first times i had left the house after god knows how long was to go buy more food that i would barely touch because of my sorrow. to think of it i had lost quite a bit of weight, i just remember walking into the store well into the evening, grabbed a few boxed meals and as i was walking to the register i avoided eye contact with the few people left in the store and stared at the floor. when i was only 3 ft away from the register, i think. my face felt weird, not hot or cold but just... odd, i stopped abruptly before i knew it the foreign feeling in my face soon spread to my entire head and was almost crawling down to my chest when i suddenly realized i couldn't feel my legs and then. everything went black.

When i opened my eyes and realized i could see, and not just black i felt dread hit in my stomach like a stone. A hospital room, why was i in a hospital room? while i was stunned for a moment trying to trace back my actions and how it could have led to this, i felt a pain in my face and my attention went from processing how i ended up here to why did i feel like my face lost a fight with a cactus, that was on fire. i jumped when the door opened and i saw a woman, she was probably a nurse, we made brief eye contact before she left quietly closing the door behind her. not even a minute later a different woman entered the room. this time a doctor, when she came in she looked at me and wore a sickly sweet smile. a clearly fake one. the doctor went on to explain that i had lost consciousness in the store and they called an ambulance. she went to elaborate that i had broken my nose when i hit the floor (that explains the pain i guess). her entire demeanor changed when the issues of why i had fainted had come up along with my test results. she had the worried disappointment in her features like a mother saddened by the poor choices a child had made. 

Ultimately the reason i had fainted was anemia from anorexia. i felt shame in the moment but looking back i feel great hatred for that doctor and felt like she made me feel ashamed. because my weight was a concern to my health and i had no family i had to stay in the hospital and put some pounds on and also speak to a therapist frequently while i was in the hospital. after they released me after gaining some weight back i was still to see the same therapist to make sure i wasnt a "threat to myself" but i was glad to be rid of that sterile smelling hell.

one of the things that was different was the meetings with the therapist after i had been released, it was a mix of group and one on one sessions. dont remember alot about the others in the group or the therapist i dont remember their faces, their voices. once again nothing. but two things i do remember was that the group sessions were with other people with eating disorders. and i also remember her, its funny how you meet someone and dont even begin to understand in the beginning how a single person can change your entire life. 

sometimes life is truly like a thread, each persons is a different hue, a different texture, a different size but the difference isnt just the thread, its what you make with it. maybe a lacy light pink shawl or a vibrant purple blanket.and sometimes that thread can be cut far shorter than it shoud have been. but personally i felt like a ugly gray ball of yarn that was tossed in the dryer and was a giant knot instead of the ornate stitches my mother used to create. but that girl she was something different i could never find a flower, a color or a stitch to describe her.

remember when it was my turn in the therapy circle from hell to explain my story and why i was there. i felt my blood boiling as i felt their eyes all on me with judgement in them but when i looked up at the girl across from me her eyes met mine. they held a softness to them and it calmed me down, it wasnt the look of judgement or pity or shame, it reminded me of my moms but instead of hues of oak it was the deep calm color of emerald. after my turn and the others she went to explain her story and why she was there.

her name was Ava, she had anorexia bulimia from bullying and peer pressure from, well, her peers. she had been in the group for a little over 5 months while this was still my first time in this group. i later found out they always made the members introduce themselves when a new person joined. to give a little description on Ava she had green eyes, short strawberry blonde hair, freckles and a smile that was a little crooked but for once was the first one i had seen in months that was genuine and not the fake sweet ones i resented. and after the group meeting as i was leaving she talked to me a bit more but it was just us, she was friendly and quite bubbly and i knew in that moment i had gained feelings for her in that single day.

i didnt know it would take me down such a dark path because of those feelings i had for her spiraled into something i knew was wrong but i let my emotions control me, like they always do.


End file.
